5. Consider some complicating factors
Five come to mind.
1. Husband and wife disagree on something. We mentioned this earlier. Inevitably you and your spouse are going to disagree on some aspect of your child’s upbringing. It may be something big – He wants him to go to boarding school!?? She let’s them eat in bed! What time they can come in at night. Can they watch The Simpsons? How you resolve such issues belongs to the area of marriage guidance not parenting but do be aware of the problem.
2. Children playing off mum against dad. This follows on. Your children will certainly spot differences if they are there – and exploit them if they can. They will even try ‘Dad/mam said I could’ when actually mam/dad simply said ‘ask mam/dad’ which is quite different.
3. More than one child. I remember as a young man being in people’s houses and sometimes seeing crayon marks on one of the nice books or somewhere. And I would think to myself, when I have kids that won’t happen in my house. And I still thought that when I had my first son. But then after the second or third I began to see how this sort of thing happens. While you’re busy with one child the other one is getting up to mischief. Often while you’re busy telling one off another will need attention and so things get left. I have a vivid memory too of coming home from church once when we had three little boys –they must have been 7, 4 and 3 – and there was a new hole in the ground. First, the eldest jumped in, then the second, then the third. Children copy each other – it was alright that time but sometimes it can be a problem.
4. Fast changing scene. Children especially are constantly changing. There is a big difference between a 2 year old toddler and a 10 year old boy and a 16 year old teenager. It would be madness to try treating them in the same way. At the same time technology is changing and the possibilities too. With our oldest we simply wouldn’t let him have his own hand held computer game but then at some point we were given some consoles and, for good or ill, all the boys sometimes play on the Nintendo or the Wii. Have we grown soft? Or are we just adapting to changing times? It can be a fine line but certainly we need to adapt.
5. In public and private. One other thing worth mentioning is that it is one thing to discipline children in the privacy of your home but when you are out or if you have visitors present, it is a different thing. Children often latch on to that and will take advantage sometimes, regardless of the consequences later. Again I am pointing out something to think about rather than giving answers though it should be obvious that we should aim to keep discipline as private as possible and certainly do all we can not to publicly humiliate our children. It is probably the public humiliation that drives the opposition to smacking children in the supermarket rather than a fundamental opposition to physical punishment.
6. Some closing remarks
1. Husband and wife disagree on something. We mentioned this earlier. Inevitably you and your spouse are going to disagree on some aspect of your child’s upbringing. It may be something big – He wants him to go to boarding school!?? She let’s them eat in bed! What time they can come in at night. Can they watch The Simpsons? How you resolve such issues belongs to the area of marriage guidance not parenting but do be aware of the problem.
2. Children playing off mum against dad. This follows on. Your children will certainly spot differences if they are there – and exploit them if they can. They will even try ‘Dad/mam said I could’ when actually mam/dad simply said ‘ask mam/dad’ which is quite different.
3. More than one child. I remember as a young man being in people’s houses and sometimes seeing crayon marks on one of the nice books or somewhere. And I would think to myself, when I have kids that won’t happen in my house. And I still thought that when I had my first son. But then after the second or third I began to see how this sort of thing happens. While you’re busy with one child the other one is getting up to mischief. Often while you’re busy telling one off another will need attention and so things get left. I have a vivid memory too of coming home from church once when we had three little boys –they must have been 7, 4 and 3 – and there was a new hole in the ground. First, the eldest jumped in, then the second, then the third. Children copy each other – it was alright that time but sometimes it can be a problem.
4. Fast changing scene. Children especially are constantly changing. There is a big difference between a 2 year old toddler and a 10 year old boy and a 16 year old teenager. It would be madness to try treating them in the same way. At the same time technology is changing and the possibilities too. With our oldest we simply wouldn’t let him have his own hand held computer game but then at some point we were given some consoles and, for good or ill, all the boys sometimes play on the Nintendo or the Wii. Have we grown soft? Or are we just adapting to changing times? It can be a fine line but certainly we need to adapt.
5. In public and private. One other thing worth mentioning is that it is one thing to discipline children in the privacy of your home but when you are out or if you have visitors present, it is a different thing. Children often latch on to that and will take advantage sometimes, regardless of the consequences later. Again I am pointing out something to think about rather than giving answers though it should be obvious that we should aim to keep discipline as private as possible and certainly do all we can not to publicly humiliate our children. It is probably the public humiliation that drives the opposition to smacking children in the supermarket rather than a fundamental opposition to physical punishment.
6. Some closing remarks
Just four of these.
1. See the importance of not being too idealistic or complicated. Some Christian books on bringing up children though very good can tend this way. Some books, for example, will say that when you punish a child you should always take them to the Bible and show them the command they have broken first. Now that’s is fine as an ideal but the reality is that when you are all sat down for a meal and junior makes an inappropriate wisecrack or thumps his brother you need to deal with it promptly and opening the Bible to Exodus 20 is simply not on! You do not want anything too complicated either. Some good parents run reward schemes which is fine but not if they are too complicated. My inclination would be to make all sorts of rules about what children can and can’t do on the Lord’s Day but it is probably best to have broad rules and wait until things come up.
2. Expect to make mistakes and admit them. I think that has been clear from what I have said. We are sinners and so we are bound to fail at certain points. Bad behaviour will go unpunished. Good behaviour will go unrewarded. Worse, we will praise where no praise was due and worse again punish unjustly – for which we’ll have to apologise. We will have to change our ways and ideas at times. We are not to exasperate our children but sometimes we will and for that we must seek God’s forgiveness and theirs too.
3. Be thankful for the privilege. It is a wonderful thing to be parent for all the anxiety and trouble it may be. You are shaping a human being. You are having an influence that will last all his life. We should give thanks in all things but especially be thankful to God if he has chosen you for this task.
4. Look to God for grace. We must think seriously about this matter and do what we can to get it right but in the end we are in God’s hands and rely on his grace. If anything good comes out of your family or mine it is at least as much despite us as because of us. How we need God’s grace. Remember Jesus’s words Without me you can do nothing.
1. See the importance of not being too idealistic or complicated. Some Christian books on bringing up children though very good can tend this way. Some books, for example, will say that when you punish a child you should always take them to the Bible and show them the command they have broken first. Now that’s is fine as an ideal but the reality is that when you are all sat down for a meal and junior makes an inappropriate wisecrack or thumps his brother you need to deal with it promptly and opening the Bible to Exodus 20 is simply not on! You do not want anything too complicated either. Some good parents run reward schemes which is fine but not if they are too complicated. My inclination would be to make all sorts of rules about what children can and can’t do on the Lord’s Day but it is probably best to have broad rules and wait until things come up.
2. Expect to make mistakes and admit them. I think that has been clear from what I have said. We are sinners and so we are bound to fail at certain points. Bad behaviour will go unpunished. Good behaviour will go unrewarded. Worse, we will praise where no praise was due and worse again punish unjustly – for which we’ll have to apologise. We will have to change our ways and ideas at times. We are not to exasperate our children but sometimes we will and for that we must seek God’s forgiveness and theirs too.
3. Be thankful for the privilege. It is a wonderful thing to be parent for all the anxiety and trouble it may be. You are shaping a human being. You are having an influence that will last all his life. We should give thanks in all things but especially be thankful to God if he has chosen you for this task.
4. Look to God for grace. We must think seriously about this matter and do what we can to get it right but in the end we are in God’s hands and rely on his grace. If anything good comes out of your family or mine it is at least as much despite us as because of us. How we need God’s grace. Remember Jesus’s words Without me you can do nothing.
1 comment:
Being a grandfather is much easier; can someone work out a way of skipping the first step?
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